Speechless

I know that this has become a popular phrase among the dramatics of our age, but honestly fuck my life. I hate being a complainer, I really do, but think of this as more an open letter to God.

I feel like I've been mistaken for Hitler in a past life. I have no idea why things in my life always turn to shit. I try, I'm dedicated, I'm kind and fair to people, and still I get shit on.

I loved my job at the Liquor Store, it was the perfect place for a student, I could just work and not get involved in all the drama. Well not possible. My boss has it out for everyone, and even though I'm not on the chopping block yet, I will be. And that's what sucks, its like waiting for a time bomb.

I loved being a student journalist. It was like the shining light in my academic career; I felt like I was actually going places. Well again, too bad for Angela. Some people have their own ideas as to what should happen and will rig elections to get it. So now I have to quit.

I started seeing this really great guy. Super great, let myself fall for him completely. Two and a half months later, he out of the blue tells me there is someone else. I guess I can't fault him for being dishonest. He at the very least was up front about it. The thing that sucks, is that he likes me; he just is afraid of it. Fuck. See this is why I don't date. I hate to admit it, but I'm crying over a boy.

Not to mention the usual debacle that is my family. My sisters are both petty criminals, my mom is seriously sick and well yours truly gets to hold the family together. Not to mention, I have to give up a semester abroad because my family doesn't have any money. So that's great. Don't get me wrong, I love my family, but I'm only 22 I should have to be tied here.

All I want in life is to be free. I am not an animal that can be caged, the world is my home, not a specific city. But everything in my life is opposing me. I don't have anyone to fall back on, because I am that for everyone else. There is no one in my corner. I work full-time, I go to school full-time. All I want is to live and to love, and to maybe make some fucking money. Apparently this is to much to ask.

People ask why I don't pray. Well it's because this has been the current state of affairs my whole life. And only until recently, I prayed multiple times a day. Nothing has changed, so why waste my time? For whatever reason, I am not as liked by God as everyone else, so why care anymore?

It's really sad when you realize that the only person in life you can rely on is you. Not your friends, not your lovers, not your family. You. In the end it's only you. Maybe you and God, maybe you and you. All I know is that I've never felt so alone. I've never felt like I was spinning my wheels more. I've never wanted out so badly. I just want to be free.

15 Books that I could Read Over and Over Again

Before I start my list, I would just like to say that it makes me really sad that Michael Jackson has passed, as well as Billy Mays and Farreh Fawcett... I think they were all great people, and even if they weren't, as John Donne said, "any man's death diminishes me".

1. Any of the Harry Potter books

2. Irresistible Revolution - Shane Claibourne

3. Blue Like Jazz - Donald Miller

4. The Orphan Train West - Jane Peart

5. The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath

6. Animal Farm - George Orwell

7. Lord of the Flies - William Golding

8. Fight Club - Chuck Palahniuk

9. The Life of Pi - Yann Martel

10. Cue for Treason/ Word to Caesar - Geoffrey Trease

11. The Natahas - Victor Malarek

12. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants books - Ann Brashares

13. Nancy Drew Books - Carolyn Keene

14. Drowning Ruth - Christina Schwarz

15. Changing Heaven - Jane Urquhart

There is a fine line between hope and denial

It's been a while since I last wrote. Well, I finished off my last semester really well, came out with an A average. Decided against going to California, for financial and personal reasons, and you know, its been a good decision, I've had fun here and gotten down into school work. So I'm in a summer semester, and I am a huge nerd and I like it whole bunches.

I've realized what a beautiful thing hope is, so unassuming, and seemingly weak. To hope for something, has always been portrayed to me in a negative way, like it's only something you do as a child until you realize the error of your ways. But no, hope is reckless and dangerous. It's like the wind, comforting and gentle, but it can also cause hurricanes, tornadoes and tidal waves. 

Thinking over the things in my heart, most of them require obscene amounts of hope. But here's the thing, hope doesn't often act alone, it usually needs determination and sacrifice. Determination, because hoping for things isn't easy, many times it will be much less painful to just stop; and sacrifice because by holding out for the things you hope for, many other things need to die. I speak only the truth.

I have a lot more to say, but the words haven't found me yet. All I can say for now is, "Don't stop believing... hold on to that feeling." 

Don't ever, ever let the fuckers get you down

Sometimes in life, people get you down. They disappoint you, hurt you, fuck you over... whether by accident or on purpose it doesn't really matter; the point is they do it. And man, does it ever get you down. It can make you angry or sad, or a combination of both. It sucks balls.

The only piece of advice I have is to get a cheap bottle of wine and drink it, fast. Once the alcohol hits your system and provides a nice floaty feeling, tell the world to fuck the hell off.

You can scream it, write it, sing it, dance it... whatever you need to do. Because at the end of the day, its just you, and you have to do whats right for you.

Like Tegan and Sarah put it, "You've got the freedom, baby, walk out if they drag you down."

Do Guys Really Do This?

So the other day I was talking to this really strange guy, who I owe a lot too since he helped me with my psychology midterm... but he's hella weird. 

At the end of the night, he said he was going to go have sex with a bagel... but that he couldn't because he didn't have any butter. This was very awkward for me.

This made me wonder, do guys do this? Like I know that most people are like, umm Angela, obvi he was joking... but you don't know him like I do. Without sounding like we dated, or something, I have a lot of dirt on this guy, and umm, he would is the thing.

So ya. It was awkward and I didn't like it. And now I just can't look at bagels the same way.

Coldplay Tickets

Yep, just bought 'em. I'm pretty excited about their show... I'm not like their biggest fan or anything, but I do think they are one of the greatest bands of our time, and I am quite happy to say that I get to see them! 

So since I last wrote, not a whole lot has happened. There's a bunch of drama going at my "workplace" and it's just a bunch of high school bullshit. Like no one has the balls to straight up tell someone they have a problem, so instead they beat around the bush and form alliances and do the exact things they accuse everyone else of doing. 

My sociological self would say that it is a very Marxist environment at this time. But it is true, there is definitely a battle of sorts and it pisses me off because I previously worked somewhere, where the same thing happened. It is always a wonder to me how people who have no leadership or people skills find themselves in charge of other people. And of course, deep down, these people know they are awful at what they do, and they suffer from anxiety and stress everyday because they are not doing what their skill set is made for. Or they become mega-bitches because they are insecure about how bad they are at their jobs.

I hope no one thinks I am slamming these people, all I am saying is that not everyone has leadership qualities and there is nothing wrong with that, it is just the fact of the matter.

So, yeah, it's annoying to say the least. At this point, I feel like I have enough experience with people like this to know how to deal with them, and I have been quietly building my case against them. Who knows if I will actually need it or not, however, it is reassuring to know that if need be I could defend myself and my other co-workers.

I'm one of those people, that I can guarantee you would rather not mess with.

My soul in a poem

Sarah had to do a paper on this poem, and she told me to read it. Once I had, I felt as though I had transported into the future, wrote it and then returned to my present self. I shall share it with you now.

You Have a Body I Can Touch

I love birds too but I can't hold them and

our children have been taken by their wings.

Your breath is the wind I wake to. You turn

on the fan when it's hot and squeeze lemon

into cups in the morning. When I think

your hair is just right you get it cut and 

get annoyed at my diagnoses of

the world, ask me why I only see the

bad, but this is a love poem and I 

think you should know that when I cry it's 

for your own good and mine. My rage is what 

keeps me here in the shade of your love. Your

refusal to engage in my rant is

as comforting as your Yorkshire pudding

and you are reliable as barbecue

sauce. You make things, I define them. You are

the Good Guy and your words are loaves of

bread fresh out the oven when bread is what 

I need you more than wine. Don't thank me when I 

kiss you. It has taken thirty years to

write this.

-Janet Vickers

FUCKING BEAUTIFUL!!!!