thunderstruck

i've become really bad at keeping these blogs up. well for the summer i will try my hardest to be better. life keeps living and things are always changing. i still have not fully recovered from my surgery, in fact i've nearly lost all my sensation of taste... so thats fun.

partying has taken a backseat this summer to work. i will be going to kenya in september and so i need all the money i can save!

speaking of work, i recently had an experience with an employer that i pray never happens again. i got bamboozled into a telemarketing job, and then had fucked myself over with my other job so i was forced to stay. thankfully things worked out and i found another job for the summer working with 4 awesome kids. but god, 3 weeks of telemarketing has jaded me. i fucking hated it. i cried, and even had to resort to drinking on the job to cope.

ooh, i've also been to las vegas since i last wrote, me and a great friend decided on a whim to go. it was fun, but not the party we expected. in fact, i always felt judged. which was weird because people were literally too obese to walk up stairs there, and yet they judged me. i digress.

we saw thunder from down under which shockingly turned me on... a lot. maybe it was the accent or more likely, that i haven't had any male attention since december, but it def got my heart beating.

that night we went to a nightclub and i ended up getting pretty frisky on the dance floor. oh well it was vegas and i was young!

anyways that's an update.

enjoy this pic:

angela sans tonsils

well, i've just had my tonsils out and it sucks. the americana view of cartoons, flowers and popsicles is a total lie. try dehydration, pain and more pain. anyhow let's toast to the fact that it is a short-term pain for long-term benefit sort of situation.

it is march. time has passed. my heart is beginning to mend, and i've started looking at guys again. although this post isn't about that, its about friends.

i feel as though i'm in a crossroads concerning friends. and oddly, i never believed that these occurred. i thought that friends stay with you as long as you made the commitment. oh naive, sweet angela. it takes two to make a commitment. and when only one side is involved it becomes difficult to remain friends.

there are two main friends in question. and ironically, these two were the ones that i would have bet the house for. i've been friends with both of them through years, and crazy experiences. and it's sad to see these begin to fade.

for the first it all happened when she moved away. she decided that instead of pursuing herself she would pursue what others wanted for her. everyday this makes me sad. everyday i wish things could go back to the way they were. but they can't.

the other, she never knew who she was, and so in her journey to herself, she left those who knew her best. this makes me sick whenever it crosses my mind. i loved her dearly, but now, she's only a memory.

as cold as this may sound, this is the natural order. some people walk in and out of our lives and that is the way it is. others stick around, but most don't. i can honestly say that i try my hardest to be a good friend. i rarely talk behind my friends' backs. i am honest, open and encourage them to be the same. i want the best for the people i love, and sometimes that translates into disappointment.

yet i find myself in these places where the people i've loved most hurt me. they leave me. they decide that they no longer need me. i'm like the fucking marry poppins of friends. i fix everything and then i'm no longer needed. and honestly, it sucks. but i guess thats my lot in life. i should get used to the fact that the people i love are only a part of my life for 3 years tops and then they're on to bigger and better things.

i. remain. here. in. solitude.

Speechless

I know that this has become a popular phrase among the dramatics of our age, but honestly fuck my life. I hate being a complainer, I really do, but think of this as more an open letter to God.

I feel like I've been mistaken for Hitler in a past life. I have no idea why things in my life always turn to shit. I try, I'm dedicated, I'm kind and fair to people, and still I get shit on.

I loved my job at the Liquor Store, it was the perfect place for a student, I could just work and not get involved in all the drama. Well not possible. My boss has it out for everyone, and even though I'm not on the chopping block yet, I will be. And that's what sucks, its like waiting for a time bomb.

I loved being a student journalist. It was like the shining light in my academic career; I felt like I was actually going places. Well again, too bad for Angela. Some people have their own ideas as to what should happen and will rig elections to get it. So now I have to quit.

I started seeing this really great guy. Super great, let myself fall for him completely. Two and a half months later, he out of the blue tells me there is someone else. I guess I can't fault him for being dishonest. He at the very least was up front about it. The thing that sucks, is that he likes me; he just is afraid of it. Fuck. See this is why I don't date. I hate to admit it, but I'm crying over a boy.

Not to mention the usual debacle that is my family. My sisters are both petty criminals, my mom is seriously sick and well yours truly gets to hold the family together. Not to mention, I have to give up a semester abroad because my family doesn't have any money. So that's great. Don't get me wrong, I love my family, but I'm only 22 I should have to be tied here.

All I want in life is to be free. I am not an animal that can be caged, the world is my home, not a specific city. But everything in my life is opposing me. I don't have anyone to fall back on, because I am that for everyone else. There is no one in my corner. I work full-time, I go to school full-time. All I want is to live and to love, and to maybe make some fucking money. Apparently this is to much to ask.

People ask why I don't pray. Well it's because this has been the current state of affairs my whole life. And only until recently, I prayed multiple times a day. Nothing has changed, so why waste my time? For whatever reason, I am not as liked by God as everyone else, so why care anymore?

It's really sad when you realize that the only person in life you can rely on is you. Not your friends, not your lovers, not your family. You. In the end it's only you. Maybe you and God, maybe you and you. All I know is that I've never felt so alone. I've never felt like I was spinning my wheels more. I've never wanted out so badly. I just want to be free.

15 Books that I could Read Over and Over Again

Before I start my list, I would just like to say that it makes me really sad that Michael Jackson has passed, as well as Billy Mays and Farreh Fawcett... I think they were all great people, and even if they weren't, as John Donne said, "any man's death diminishes me".

1. Any of the Harry Potter books

2. Irresistible Revolution - Shane Claibourne

3. Blue Like Jazz - Donald Miller

4. The Orphan Train West - Jane Peart

5. The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath

6. Animal Farm - George Orwell

7. Lord of the Flies - William Golding

8. Fight Club - Chuck Palahniuk

9. The Life of Pi - Yann Martel

10. Cue for Treason/ Word to Caesar - Geoffrey Trease

11. The Natahas - Victor Malarek

12. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants books - Ann Brashares

13. Nancy Drew Books - Carolyn Keene

14. Drowning Ruth - Christina Schwarz

15. Changing Heaven - Jane Urquhart

There is a fine line between hope and denial

It's been a while since I last wrote. Well, I finished off my last semester really well, came out with an A average. Decided against going to California, for financial and personal reasons, and you know, its been a good decision, I've had fun here and gotten down into school work. So I'm in a summer semester, and I am a huge nerd and I like it whole bunches.

I've realized what a beautiful thing hope is, so unassuming, and seemingly weak. To hope for something, has always been portrayed to me in a negative way, like it's only something you do as a child until you realize the error of your ways. But no, hope is reckless and dangerous. It's like the wind, comforting and gentle, but it can also cause hurricanes, tornadoes and tidal waves. 

Thinking over the things in my heart, most of them require obscene amounts of hope. But here's the thing, hope doesn't often act alone, it usually needs determination and sacrifice. Determination, because hoping for things isn't easy, many times it will be much less painful to just stop; and sacrifice because by holding out for the things you hope for, many other things need to die. I speak only the truth.

I have a lot more to say, but the words haven't found me yet. All I can say for now is, "Don't stop believing... hold on to that feeling." 

Don't ever, ever let the fuckers get you down

Sometimes in life, people get you down. They disappoint you, hurt you, fuck you over... whether by accident or on purpose it doesn't really matter; the point is they do it. And man, does it ever get you down. It can make you angry or sad, or a combination of both. It sucks balls.

The only piece of advice I have is to get a cheap bottle of wine and drink it, fast. Once the alcohol hits your system and provides a nice floaty feeling, tell the world to fuck the hell off.

You can scream it, write it, sing it, dance it... whatever you need to do. Because at the end of the day, its just you, and you have to do whats right for you.

Like Tegan and Sarah put it, "You've got the freedom, baby, walk out if they drag you down."

Do Guys Really Do This?

So the other day I was talking to this really strange guy, who I owe a lot too since he helped me with my psychology midterm... but he's hella weird. 

At the end of the night, he said he was going to go have sex with a bagel... but that he couldn't because he didn't have any butter. This was very awkward for me.

This made me wonder, do guys do this? Like I know that most people are like, umm Angela, obvi he was joking... but you don't know him like I do. Without sounding like we dated, or something, I have a lot of dirt on this guy, and umm, he would is the thing.

So ya. It was awkward and I didn't like it. And now I just can't look at bagels the same way.